Geekmania
A new Social Networking service coming out of San Francisco – Geekmania was announce today.
From their copy.
“Overwhelmed by the Web 2.0 social-networking revolution? Intimidated by all that newfangled whiz-bang technology? Convinced the government is tracking your every keystroke? Too busy to give a damn about any of it, but still have a vague sense you might be missing something good?
You’ve come to the right place.
Welcome to Geekamania, your full-service, Web 2.0 personality enhancer™. For a small monthly fee, we do the social networking for you, so you can feel remotely relevant and even slightly connected to the sexy youth culture of today, without lifting a finger, remembering a single login, or buying some of those ridiculous $200 jeans. It couldn’t be simpler! ”
Geekmania lists the some services afforded to its subscribers:
1. Design, set-up and maintenance of personalized profile pages on all the popular Web 2.0 “social networking” sites, including Facebook, Twitter, MySpace, Tumblr, Flickr, and more*
2. Daily updates to your pages with smart, “hip” musings and status quotes, so you can focus on your real life, like paying bills, enjoying movies, playing with the kids, drinking heavily at work, and not having sex.
3. You give us all your personal info — your darkest secrets, weirdest fantasies, frequent medications, favorite foods, bitterest resentments, embarrassing musical tastes, sexual hang-ups, and so on — and we do the rest. No logging in, no passwords to remember, and best of all, no actual personality to worry about. Don’t have a personality? No problem. We can make one up for you
4. Monthly reports of all account activity — funny messages, revealing pictures, and so on — printed out and mailed straight to your home via the trusty ol’ post office, because you hate your damn computer and can’t remember your AOL login and don’t even get you started on those fucking cell phones
5. BFF Tracker™ – A cumulative tally of exactly how many so-called “friends” you now have, updated weekly**
6. Asswipe Filtering™ – Block assorted jerky guys from seeing all those blurrycute pictures of your seven cats
7. Skank Monitor™ — Like Asswipe Filtering, but in reverse. Invites hot, skanky chicks to see super-sexy pics of you flexing in a mirror
8. Hopeful Hookup Detection™ – Our proprietary algorithm scans all your incoming messages for suggestive keywords and flirty behavior, on the remote chance that you might actually get laid sometime in the near future, but of course you probably won’t because you’re too terrified to follow up and/or appear naked in front of another human
9. Ex-Lover SlutMaker™: A special add-on service, where we casually befriend your ex lover or spouse, and then start dropping nasty hints and posting ugly rumors about what a true bastard/bitch he/she really is, not to mention his/her secret obsession with bestiality and German fetish porn***
10.And lots more!
*Porn sites extra
**Not real friends, of course. But it might feel that way, which is sort of the whole point
***Not applicable in Texas and Utah, where these activities are common”
Not convinced? Click here to read our write-up in the San Francisco Chronicle’s website, or click here to sign up for our mailing list, and get started today!
“Why wait? Your new personalities await!
Geekamania - Because you don’t have time for this shit.”
